Man Utd 1-3 Crystal Palace

Manchester United 1-3 Crystal Palace (Van de Beek 80) (Townsend 7, Zaha 74 (pen), 85)

So here we go, 2020/2021. The start of the season is usually a time for hope, yet the prospect of empty stadiums for the foreseeable future has limited my excitement. If no one is there to watch it, did it really happen? Behind closed doors football is better than nothing though, and sure enough I was soon devouring the latest transfer news like everyone else. In any case, my eagerness for the football to return, or lack thereof, probably related more with my current displeasure with how Manchester United are run.

United started a week late after our involvement in Europe, and in that time the picture of the season ahead became clearer. Aubameyang and Grealish signed new deals with their clubs. Out of nowhere, Liverpool and Tottenham made transfer splashes with world superstars Thiago and Gareth Bale respectively; Diogo Jota and Sergio Regulion were mere footnotes. 

In this context it was more crucial than ever for United to make a good start, and so came the team news, with David De Gea preferred as expected to Dean Henderson. Paul Pogba, fresh from a positive Covid-19 test, partnered Scott McTominay in a double pivot, with Nemanja Matic not fit enough to make the squad. The right flank raised eyebrows, as a Fosu-Mensah and James combo was not the strongest available to the manager. Palace lined up in an attacking 4-4-2. A makeshift back four featured promising 21 year-old left-back Tyrick Mitchell (the beneficiary of Van Aanholt's injury in the last meeting between the sides) and a midfielder, Cheikhou Kouyate, in the centre. 

It was interesting to note pre-match that Mata, Pereira and Lingard, three players seen as exemplifying United's lack of quality options last season, were left out of the squad all together. While I've been critical of all three, you cannot with a straight face say that Ighalo is more worthy of a place in the 18 than them, and that's not even getting to the picking of Fosu-Mensah, a player whose loans at Palace and Fulham were mediocre at best. Nevertheless, the team must be given a chance, time to shut up and watch Ole's lot perform and stop my pessimism, right?

United weren't the team to watch in the first 20 minutes though. The visitors from South London fielded four players who can run at people in their 4-4-2, and pressed high. Straight away they targeted United's weak right hand side of James, McTominay and Fosu-Mensah. Only 5 minutes had gone before De Gea, unsettled by the press, passed straight to a Palace player who couldn't collect it properly. Pogba committed a couple of needless fouls to put us under pressure. It was a sign of things to come. 

The opening goal was astoundingly simple. Jeffrey Schlupp with a simple 3rd man run forward had caught out Fosu-Mensah who had been sucked in by the player coming short. Lindelof came across to cover far too slowly, and the ball came across the box to Andros Townsend who finished with Luke Shaw failing to track his run. Lindelof and Shaw, showing his new buzz cut, were at fault, guessing how the play was going to develop and not reading the danger. 

It was a horrible start but even worse was that United didn't respond, instead Palace carried on dominating. The home side were so sloppy, getting dispossessed regularly. Pogba in particular looked all at sea in the opening stages. Shaw was beaten easily but Townsend's daisy cutter went wide. On the 15 minute mark, Bruno Fernandes' horrible touch saw him robbed by Schlupp, and Wilfried Zaha led the first of what turned out to be many counters Palace had on the day. This one led to nothing, but in no time a poor back header by Lindelof required De Gea to sprint out of his goal to stop Zaha from having a shot. Palace looked hungry and full of running, United shocked by their aggression, embodied by Joel Ward, warrior-like in his desire to get blocks in.  

Gradually after 20 minutes or so the Red Devils got a foothold, getting moves going. After nice interplay, Rashford setup Pogba for a shot from the edge of the box, and Guaita made a good stop down to his right. Then McTominay curled wide from the inside left position after a sharp Bruno pass. But chances kept coming for Palace due to unforced errors. McTominay and Fosu-Mensah had a mix-up, however after a slick counter Townsend went for glory with a wild shot when Zaha was better positioned. 

Towards the end of the half United had almost nullified the Palace threat, and went in search of a goal. Palace, however, are marvellously coached by Roy Hodgson. While he named a positive team, the defensive fundamentals that are synonymous with his teams were clear as day. The shuffling across, the ability to cut out passing angles and organisation in general may not sound complex, but it requires painstaking attention to detail on the training ground to perfect. Remember it was a defence including a midfielder in Kouyate at centre-back. It is doubtful our manager makes a similar impression on his much better and valuable squad given the evidence of the tactical mess of the 2nd half. 

United were showing adequate movement for once, but the care in the pass was lacking. Even Anthony Martial's technique let him down, a dreadful touch ruining an attack and resulting in a free-kick for Palace, pressure released. The complacency after a quiet period for Palace kicked in, and it should have been 2-0 at half-time. Zaha led another break but Bruno, who always runs hard for the team, delayed him, leading to the ex-United winger moving it onto Jordan Ayew. The Ghanaian beat McTominay easily but De Gea made a top class save. From the resulting corner, after United half cleared the electric Zaha hit a tame effort wide, and the whistle blew. Phew.

James had seen more of the ball than Rashford and Martial. He had never beat his marker, always coming inside into traffic, the confidence gained from playing well for Wales nowhere to be seen. Mind, he wasn't helped by Fosu-Mensah who had never run beyond him; what does Ole see in him to pick him over Dalot? Palace might be disciplined, but without Matic holding the fort they knew we were vulnerable from counter attacks and thus pushed the front four forward. McTominay had shown some good stuff with his height and strength helping us keep the ball, but overall it was a tame performance from the Scot in the middle.

The manager made a sub at half-time, new no.11 Greenwood replacing James, but the second half started exactly the same as the first - Palace looking dangerous, United lax. McTominay lost out and Palace once again streaked away, Ayew shooting straight at De Gea. Pogba and Maguire sent simple balls straight to opposition. Our captain picked up a booking after Zaha, who had been coached by Solskjaer on loan at Cardiff, had beat him. It was relentless, Lindelof was looking so poor when he was exposed. 

United did improve, Pogba pinging some long passes as they changed strategy. On the hour came the big miss. Maguire switched to Fosu-Mensah, Rashford's run on the right gave him time to measure a cross onto Greenwood's head, but the boy wonder put it wide. His head ain't as clinical as his left. At the other end the ever impressive Zaha scored after the umpteenth break, but it was given correctly offside. Ole responded to this escape by bringing on Donny Van de Beek for his debut hooking Pogba. You couldn't argue with the sub, he was just too wasteful. 

Lindelof volleyed over from a very difficult chance after McTominay flicked on a corner, but Palace were still the team that looked more of a threat, attacking with pace against a back four clueless when they dropped back, the game would've been dead already if they had better forwards. McTominay wasn't able to give the defence any protection throughout the 2nd half. Once more they poured forward but Ayew didn't get proper contact on his shot. Or so I thought - VAR intervened to give a pen from this incident, for handball against Lindelof. Are. You. Kidding. Me. It was so quick, the Swede so close, but it's pointless moaning too much about VAR, something I was totally against from the beginning, as people like myself and Hodgson (who, to his credit, said it wasn't a pen after the match) seem to have lost the battle. 

Justice was done as De Gea stopped Ayew's relaxed pen, but the nerds stepped in again as our keeper was a few inches off the line, and Zaha sent the retake high into the net with a far better spot-kick. Palace completely deserved the 2-0 lead, but honestly, since when can you change the taker? De Gea's sarcastic applause summed it up. 

Van de Beek marked his debut with a goal, as for once Palace were at sixes and sevens at the back and the Dutchman calmly finished first time. On came Ighalo to pile on the pressure, but the hope didn't even last five minutes. Zaha, fired up after a little argument with Maguire following a heavy tackle, shrugged off the painfully weak Lindelof to arrow a shot into the corner, clinching the win and marking a virtuoso display. You couldn't argue with the result, United had been well beaten. Well done Palace, well done Zaha, well fucking done Man United. At no point did they look like they were going to even get a draw. They were lucky in fact that sub Eze was a bit selfish at the very end - the bench seems the right place for the talented young forward for now while he adjusts to the top flight. Countless blocked shots after running out of ideas mean nothing, and the final whistle came to our mercy, the players avoiding the inevitable boos that would've been ringing out in a full Old Trafford. That's two in a row for Palace at the biggest club stadium in England, the first time they've ever managed that.

The postmortem wasn't pretty. The much vaunted front 3 were held at bay easily. Greenwood made no impact at all. Martial started well enough, holding the ball up, a skill that doesn't always come easy to him. In the 2nd half though, he disappeared, and it was like playing with ten men. As for lockdown hero Rashford. he simply must offer more. He was on the periphery in every sense, and the first time he took on a defender was in the dying minutes on the right. The rest barely deserved comment. Ighalo, with all due respect, was never going to score. At least Van de Beek was impressive given the situation he arrived in, playing one touch, the Ajax style. 

We'll be better with everyone - especially Matic who was a huge miss - back and Ole mentioned the lack of break to the players. But due to his lack of rotation, we have many squad members who should be fresh - you can't say players like Bailly, Mata, Lingard, and Fred can't do a job against bloody Palace at home. A Palace side that hadn't scored more than twice in the whole of last season (The last time they did score 3 was against Cardiff in May 2019). It is galling that a side that has been put together for so much money struggles against a side who were without Dann, Van Aanholt, Tomkins and Cahill at the back. Hodgson worked with what he had to maximise the performance, and it was terrific. 

The young left back Mitchell was excellent, so quickly out to James, and then Greenwood, when they got the ball. Palace's holding pair were so good at closing the space, and McCarthy supported the four outlets at times too. Schlupp was a great pick in left midfield by Hodgson as up against our weak side he could attack 1 v 1, but was solid defensively as well. Townsend rolled back the years, driving with the ball from deep, working tirelessly to support his team and always reliable in the press. Ayew was asking questions of the defenders, if he was clinical, it could've been a rout. 

Nonetheless, it was all about Zaha. In the first half his maturity was on show, as he won fouls up the pitch, held it up and made the correct decisions in and out of possession. His tremendous stamina allowed him chances to run at defenders and always give Palace an outball, and his selfless attitude created chances for his teammates. He fully deserved the two goals against his former club which never gave him a proper chance and the ongoing professionalism he shows despite clearly wanting to leave is testament to both himself and Hodgson.

Signings are needed to challenge for the title, not to not lose 3-1 to Palace at home. Sancho would be lovely but his arrival would not change the fact that Ole is out of his depth. He never really gets the criticism either. United were in the end outplayed by a side featuring one player who gets into our team and yet again the press reacted to the loss by saying we don't have good enough players. It's mind-boggling. 

It's important not to be too reactionary after just one game; Palace were ready and match-fit, whereas United have essentially back-to-back seasons to deal with. Zaha was decisive in a way not many will match this season. This was a crazy game week in general, 44 goals scored (beating the goals record for a 20 team Premier League) and dodgy penalties awarded frequently. But my word, United have to improve fast. Transfers will be demanded by many, although a bit of coaching wouldn't go amiss. 

United (4-2-3-1) De Gea 7; Fosu-Mensah 4.5 (Ighalo 81, 5), Lindelof 3.5, Maguire 5.5, Shaw 4.5; McTominay 4, Pogba 5 (Van de Beek 67, 6.5); James 5 (Greenwood 46, 5), Fernandes 5.5, Rashford 4; Martial 4.

Palace (4-4-2) Guaita 7; Ward 7.5, Kouyate 7, Sakho 7.5, Mitchell 8; Townsend 8.5, McCarthy 7.5 (Milivojevic 88), McArthur 7, Schlupp 8 (Eze 75, 5.5); Ayew 7.5 (Batshuayi 81), Zaha 9.5.

2018 FA Cup Final - Manchester United 0-1 Chelsea

Manchester United 0-1 Chelsea (Hazard 22 pen)

 

United slipped meekly to defeat in the Cup Final, going out while barely landing a punch on an unspectacular Chelsea team on a spirit-sapping day at Wembley. It was grim, and a bit boring. So much attacking talent, so little threat and bite. A frustrating season ending in a quite fitting way. Too slow, too scared, and second best. Shit.

What’s there to say when we lose like that? It wasn’t a 4-0 romp, we had been defeated only by a penalty from Eden Hazard, and the possession and shots statistics were in our favour. But don’t let the numbers fool you into thinking United were at all impressive out there. It was robotic, stunted, and downright dull. They looked out of ideas too early and energetic too late, a sad end to the season given the optimism with which it had begun. 

United were the favourites going into the last domestic fixture of the season, having finished 3 places above Chelsea in the table. I was very nervous at the start, but then I always am in occasions such as these. Post-Ferugson, it’s no longer a given that United will always be making finals and consistently playing at Wembley, so there is no way I’m turning my nose up at any cup, especially when we’re in the final. Having been at Wembley myself last month to see us dispatch an in-form Spurs, I was quietly confident we could do the same to Chelsea.

The good news for United was that Martial and Lukaku hadn’t been ruled out as had been feared, and were available. The bad news was that neither started – although Martial probably would not have anyway, even if he was 100% fit. Fellaini missed out as well. It was a blow for United to be missing their main goalscorer, as much for his hold up play and bullying of centre-halves as anything else. With Chelsea, a physical game was expected, so to line up instead with Rashford was a bit of weakness.

Not that I thought so before kick-off. While Lukaku starting on the bench was not perfect, I was excited to see young Rash run at Chelsea’s backline. I remembered how he had led the line brilliantly against Chelsea in our 2-0 home win in April 2017, springing Conte’s offside trap regularly. On paper, a front three of Jesse Lingard, Rashford and Alexis Sanchez looked dynamic, pacey and fluid. So apart from Lukaku it was the same team that beat Spurs in the semi – which meant Eric Bailly, who most think is our best defender, was left on the bench. Smalling and Jones had credit in the bank, sure, but the treatment of Bailly by Mourinho in recent weeks has been utterly baffling.

Chelsea went defensive, going with only two forward thinking players really, with Fabregas used mainly to retain possession. Bakayoko has been one of the worst signings across Europe for the 17/18 season, but Antonio Conte placed faith in the Frenchman to make sure his team didn’t get outnumbered In the middle of the park, resisting the temptation to pick Pedro or Willian. Having scored in the semi over Southampton, January purchase Olivier Giroud was preferred over record signing Alvaro Morata.

Chelsea started the better, with Hazard finding space on the left flank on the counter after United had given the ball away carelessly, and shooting at goal with his left foot after running at Jones. De Gea made a smart stop, and United cleared, but that was pretty much that for the opening exchanges. It was a typical final start to be honest, with both sides wanting to ease themselves into the game, and very little in the way of shots on goal. The cagey start didn’t stop both sides gifting the other possession constantly with sloppy errant passes. For the Cup final, it was a game desperately low on quality. It needed a goal really.

It soon got one. Chelsea won the ball back in their half and Fabregas had time to set Hazard away with a long pass; his first touch was exemplary and suddenly Phil Jones was on the back foot. The England world cup defender just about kept pace with Hazard but was unable to get goalside, and decided to go for a last-ditch tackle. I couldn’t really blame him, but the execution was clumsy and it was penalty and a yellow card. From the spot there’s few who are calmer than Hazard and the Belgian duly rolled the ball into the net, sending De Gea the other way.

United initially reacted like I’d want. Herrera pushed up from his ersatz right-back position (to nullify Hazard, and make it easier for him to be man-marked, which had already proven flawed when Chelsea’s star man moved to the right to create the goal) and United created a chance for Pogba from 25 yards, who shot wide. It was the first effort from United to test Chelsea’s defence and keeper.

 


There was very little width for United. Chelsea were extraordinarily compact

Why were United so lacking in attacking vigour? Well, for starters Rashford was having a stinker. The ball was bouncing off him, he was picking the wrong passes, and he was getting outmuscled. Worst of all he wasn’t making the runs in behind that could’ve been so dangerous; instead he came deep, or ran the channels. This often led to the absurd situation where United had the ball in a crossing position but the only man in the box was Sanchez, a man never likely to win a battle in the air with 3 centre-backs. That’s if we had anyone in the box at all, sometimes they had no one to mark and United were simply trying pot-shots from long range.

It didn’t help that Lingard was having a poor start as well, as he wasn’t either wide or forward enough to impact the game like he should. With Sanchez drifting infield as well, width was like gold dust for United. Ashley Young was enterprising enough, happy to take defenders on, but is always hamstrung by his general lack of quality – a problem for Chelsea also, regarding Victor Moses. We were ponderous, too, recycling the ball 30 yards from goal, always taking too many touches, waiting for someone to try a mazy run or an ambitious through ball which seldom happened.

The first half ended just as United’s best moment had come, as someone did indeed perform a mazy run. Pogba motored with the ball through the centre and played a one-two with Sanchez before laying it off to Rashford, who only contrived to scuff his attempted shot straight at a Chelsea defender.

At half-time the overriding feeling was that this was an awful match. There had only been two real chances – the penalty, and the other aforementioned Hazard shot. As good as the Belgian and Fabregas had been, it wasn’t enough to escape the reality that it was an utterly dreadful game, the opposite of what you would want in the showpiece of English football. It had also gone against the theme of recent Cup finals, which have generally been entertaining; look no further than United’s incident-packed triumph over Crystal Palace in 2016 for proof.

Mourinho had obviously got into them at half-time as United started the second half with great intensity, determined to get back on terms. From minute 45-65, United had a great spell, pinning Chelsea back and looking like they were going to score eventually. Of course, Chelsea could afford to sit deep having gone in front so early, and it suited the personnel they had out there. Their attacks in the second half were exclusively counters, with long passes looking for the incisive movement of Hazard.

Valencia, who had been unbelievably ineffective in the first half despite having heaps of the ball, finally made a forward run inside Marcos Alonso picked out by Herrera, also making his first risky pass. We were in behind, but instead of Valencia going for goal or picking out Sanchez he pulled it back straight to Fabregas. Stupid prick. Sanchez instantly won it back with a tigerish sliding tackle and the ball broke for Rashford 20 yards out, who forced a save from Courtois with his powerful but a bit too central strike. The crowd were up for it now and Kante and Rudiger both made vital interceptions just as United were breaking through.

United won a lot of set-pieces in this period, with Chelsea under pressure and looking to break the rhythm of United with fouls. Unfortunately most of them were taken by Rashford, who booted it straight at the first man most of the time. It was mind-numbing to see him on those duties when he was having such a poor day at sending them in, not even considering that as a forward over 6 feet, you would probably want him in the box anyway. Mind you, he did pull out one top delivery from the right when his free-kick was converted by Sanchez on the follow up, although he was offside. Still, United were pushing, with Young starting to play very high up the pitch. Matic had a 30 yarder parried by the rock-solid Courtois.

But United gradually fizzled out, the zip fading from our passing, the lack of pace in our play telling. It was the Blues that had the next big chance with Kante skipping through the tackles to set up Alonso who was denied by De Gea, before Moses hit the ball at Young’s arm in the area. Really, it was too close for the ref to give another penalty.

Out of nowhere came an opportunity for Rashford after a training ground move, with Pogba finding Lingard in his favourite pocket. He let the ball run before slipping in his best mate one-on-one. It was by no means the easiest of chances with a massive keeper coming out and Rashford having to stretch a bit, but it had to go in. Lukaku, I suspect, would’ve found the net with it. Instead, Courtois saved and Mourinho responded by hooking Rashford and Lingard. Taking off Jesse was a tad puzzling in my opinion, just as the number 14 was getting into the game.

So Lukaku and Martial (left out of the French World Cup squad in midweek, prompting more rumours of his exit) were on. I was screaming for Mata as well for Herrera, who seemed to not be aware we were losing, given the fact he wasn’t moving forward with the ball and was still playing the safest passes he could. There are times when Herrera just isn’t needed and today was one of them. His main job was to stop Hazard, who had put us behind - although the Spaniard couldn’t be blamed for the goal which wasn’t in his area. But then, what was he on for now? If Mata had been given more time, he could’ve found a key pass to unlock the door. Instead Herrera finished the game, one of his least memorable in a red shirt. He wasn’t being helped by his captain Valencia though, who was constantly turning back into midfield when he had the chance to get to the by-line.

By now Conte had instructed his team to give up on attacking, and you couldn’t blame them. The only threat was Phil Jones getting injured after a robust challenge by Giroud required him to put on a head bandage, the only thing the dreamy Frenchman did all game. It was all United, but it was all in front of the defence. We weren’t isolating their players or giving them different things to think about. We became increasingly route one, but Cahill and Rudiger were having a comfortable time of it.

The biggest chance fell to Paul Pogba, who screwed a free header wide from a Martial corner. That was the moment really, the only time the Chelsea team switched off. The £89m man had the freedom of Wembley, he had to do better, to at least get it on target. Alas, it wasn’t to be. Chelsea controlled the last 10 minutes, wasting time expertly with their subs taking decades to complete. Martial after a decent run had a little opening, but he found row J. Late sub Mata, of all people, conceded two corners in the dying minutes as the Chelsea supporters loudly cheered every single throw in and corner won, delighting in their players forcing United back, further and further away from a goal that would take it to extra time.



Chelsea celebrate with the famous old trophy

 

The whistle went and Conte was jubilant. For all that this season has been a failure for the Blues (not enough has been said about the reigning champions spending north of £200m,  finishing 5^th and 23 points worse than last season) their manager deserved this moment I think, given the turmoil he’s been faced with off the field. It was his first domestic cup as a manager. Even at their worst, Chelsea seem to be able to churn out trophies, exemplified by Cahill lifting the cup after a difficult season for him personally. Although United in mitigation could say De Gea had nothing to do, Chelsea could respond by saying they never really looked in trouble.

Like it or not, it’s likely if Fellaini had been available for the last 20 minutes we could’ve nicked an equaliser. Chelsea were very comfortable in the air against United, as a half-fit Lukaku couldn’t impose himself as usual against their big defenders. If the big man had been there, Chelsea would’ve been forced to mark him, perhaps even assigning two on him, in turn creating space for others. In the 93^rd minute Matic tamely headed over; if that had been Fellaini it could’ve been different. Though the very idea that United missed Fellaini out there suggests how shocking they were.

While Valencia is hardly the biggest problem at United, in football today the full-backs are so important, and indeed no one got the ball more for United in threatening positions than him and Young. I really don’t want to watch a lot more of him receiving the ball, doing that little leg shuffle, then passing backwards. The captain for the day was really pathetic, seemingly unable to dribble anymore, offering nothing. Young was giving it his all, offering his teammates an option, but as I’ve already said, he just isn’t that good, willing but unable to change the game.

Sanchez has played 18 times for United since he arrived, and has scored a grand total of 3 goals, one of which was a penalty rebound. It is not reactionary to say he has been downright crap for us given his handsome wages. The man has an awesome record at Wembley – I saw it for myself in the semi-final, when he was excellent – but he did fuck all in the final, like in a lot of games he has played so far for us. Spurs and City away apart, he has not been the player we all expected him to be, or saw at Arsenal. In the summer, he will have his first extended break from football since 2013. Let’s hope he comes back refreshed, because more of this will be hard to accept from such a talented player.

It’s not just Sanchez. Pogba as well was disappointing. He was decent, don’t get me wrong, helping us progress forward and running hard all afternoon. But where was an imposing display from our best player in what turned out to be the biggest game of the season? Where was the Lingard from the winter? But most all, where was the master of finals, the serial winner that is Jose Mourinho? He had his own tactics based on organisation and concentration used against him by a man who he had a spat with earlier on in the campaign. I hope it hurt him, as ending the season trophyless should hurt all of them, even though there are clear signs of progress from last season.

For us not to score against a team playing like *that* is slightly embarrassing. It’s one thing playing on the counter but there were essentially only two attacking players in their line-up. They were sharp in the first half, decisive in the penalty incident, and to be fair, retained their focus and concentration against the almost constant United possession in the 2^nd half. They did deserve their eighth FA Cup, even if for the neutral it was like watching paint dry.

It’s been a good season, generally, but it has definitely been tarnished by this schoolboy performance. Thankfully the world cup arrives to stop us from licking our wounds all summer.

United (4-3-3) De Gea 6.5; Valencia 5.5, Smalling 6, Jones 5 (Mata 87), Young 6; Herrera 4.5, Matic 5.5, Pogba 6; Lingard 5 (Martial 73, 4), Rashford 3.5 (Lukaku 73, 5), Sanchez 5.

Chelsea (5-3-2) Courtois 7.5; Moses 6, Azpilicueta 6, Cahill 7, Rudiger 7, Alonso 5.5; Fabregas 6.5, Kante 7, Bakayoko 5; Giroud 4.5 (Morata 89), Hazard 7 (Willian 90+1).

Manchester United 1-0 Watford Last day of season/Carrick's farewell

Manchester United 1-0 Watford (Rashford 34)

This was game so full of action that it was stone dead last out of 10 games on Match of the Day even with the bonus element of it being the last game of Michael Carrick’s professional career. To be fair though, it was a dull affair. It could hardly compare to John Motson’s last commentary, Arsene Wenger bringing down the curtain on his dynasty, Man City clinching 100 (One hundred!) points with a Jesus goal in stoppage time, Chelsea blowing their top 4 hopes with a 3-0 reverse at Newcastle, Salah scoring his record-breaking 32^nd of the season, Swansea going down and last but definitely not least (in fact it was 1^st on the show) a 5-4 humdinger between Spurs and Leicester with Kane and Vardy both bagging braces to start the hope and hype trains for the World Cup.

Phew. Well what about us then? Well, a year after his testimonial that I attended, Carrick had a watered down version, with both teams not exactly firing on all cylinders. One of Fergie’s best signings and one of the most consistent players I have been fortunate to watch over the years deserved his farewell, and he had the whole shebang – kids as mascots, a guard of honour, speech after the game. Now I love Carrick, but, like I said, he’d already had his testimonial and seeing as he is going to join the coaching staff it’s not exactly a goodbye…. but anyway this is carping. He was a wonderful player, one of my favourites, and the crowd sang his name throughout.

We took the lead with a goal fitting the occasion, only because it was the vision of Carrick that created it. The Geordie Xavi found Mata’s run with a pinpoint lofted pass behind the defence, the sort of pass United fans have loved watching since 2006. The ball got what it deserved with a superb first touch, meaning Mata had plenty of time to square for Rashford to pass the ball into the net. This prompted some to wonder if Carrick should’ve played some more this season. Having watched him in the second half, let’s just be happy we saw some top passes in his last game!

United’s defence wasn’t the most solid even though Watford were barely trying. Bailly was very relaxed, and Rojo was erratic in the extreme. The Argentine made up for it though, with some quality last-ditch tackles and blocks, even though he was saved by the linesman’s flag after gifting the ball to Andre Gray after seemingly having a brain-fart. Romero, playing his 1^st league game this season, made a quality save from Richarlison’s header from point-blank range, reminding us that we have one of the best no.2’s in the world, as well as newly-golden-gloved De Gea.

The fan and players' player of the season with his 1st Golden Glove award pre-match

Limited game time among a lot of the players recently, and the eleven named rarely playing together led to a flat game. Martial left the ground before kick-off with an ‘injury’ setting the rumour mill ablaze. Sanchez looked a bit tired, but Rashford was anything but, pretty much the only one working hard, desperate to show Mourinho something. Unfortunately on the ball, there was not much quality from the lad. The game ebbed out meekly, and it will be remembered for Carrick’s farewell and nothing else. The skipper was subbed to a final standing ovation, and looked very happy on the bench at his reception. Then the crowd found their voice, signing ‘Ferguson’s red army’ and ‘every single one of us’ in tribute to the boss who is in hospital after his brain haemorrhage. Carrick said some nice words about him post-match as well.

It’s possible it’s the end for Darmian, and Blind too. The Dutchman recycled the ball, and that’s it. No risks on only his 7^th league appearance of the season, hardly a convincing argument for keeping him. As for Cup final places, if Lukaku and now Martial don’t make it, out of nowhere Mata could start after being the best player on the park – admittedly from not much competition. That’s what the focus is on, beating Chelsea to cap the season off. Carrick almost certainly won’t be involved in that one, but the day belonged to him, and quite right too. It was a pleasure, lad.

United (4-3-3) Romero 7; Darmian 6, Bailly 5.5, Rojo 6, Young 6.5 (Shaw 60, 6); McTominay 6.5, Carrick 6 (Pogba 85), Blind 6 (Herrera 77, 5.5); Mata 7, Rashford 6, Sanchez 5.5.

West Ham 0-0 Manchester United Thursday 10th May

West Ham 0-0 Manchester United

I didn’t watch this game, and after scouring the web for a highlights package that lasted longer than 6 minutes, it seems like I had a lucky escape, with the only real positive being this will be the last time we ever wear this horrendous quasi-greyish strip. Almost nothing happened in this encounter other than an entertaining scrap near the end between Paul Pogba and the personification of West Ham, Mark Noble. Think about it. A high opinion of yourself despite evidence to the contrary, really angry for no apparent reason, desperately mediocre, a feeling of being wronged etc etc.

Nonetheless, I don’t really having anything against Noble, a willing trier who has to deal with all sorts of shite being the captain of his boyhood team, including having to deck one of his own fans earlier in the season in West Ham’s nadir, a home defeat by Burnley. Since then David Moyes, who was barely acknowledged by the United fans, has steadied the ship and brought them to safety, helped out by Marco Arnautovic deciding that he is arsed after all. With him, Lanzini, Carroll, Chicharito, Antonio, Reid and the experience of Zabaleta and latterly Evra, how the hell were they in trouble for so long? It’s true they have struggled with a big chunk of the squad spending the majority of the campaign on the treatment table. But even with consistent absences West Ham have weapons that other teams in similar predicaments this season just didn’t have.

United played a back 5. A real, Italian style one, not a back 3. With McTominay and Herrera also there protecting De Gea’s 18^th clean sheet (the one he needed for a maiden Golden Glove), it was clear it wouldn’t be like watching 1970’s Brazil. Mourinho left Martial and Rashford, two who could do something watchable, on the bench - a clear message that they’ve blown their Cup final chances. Still, Adrian had to make some impressive saves to keep it goalless, as the 8 changes from Brighton didn’t have the anticipated effect of a better performance. Lingard buzzed around in a sort of shadow-striker role, demonstrating his intelligence and adaptability, and was our best goal threat. Shaw did well on the left flank with plenty of runs forward, and that was it really. We clinched 2^nd and no one got injured. Bring on the Cup final so we avoid watching this dead-rubber dross please.

United (5-3-1-1) De Gea 7; Valencia 6.5 (Bailly 90+4), Lindelof 6, Smalling 6, Jones 6, Shaw 7; Herrera 6, McTominay 5, Pogba 5.5; Lingard 7.5 (Rashford 74, 5.5); Sanchez 5.5 (Young 90+2).

Brighton 1-0 Manchester United Friday 4th May

Brighton 1-0 Manchester United (Gross 57)

An intriguing statistic surfaced after this Friday night game. United had lost to all the promoted teams this season away from home. Brighton, Newcastle (1-0) and Huddersfield (2-1) had beaten us, but we had beaten all the top 5. Jekyll and Hyde United. We’ve also dropped points to Stoke, Southampton and West Brom, proving that although there has been a vast improvement this season, against the actual shite of the division we struggle to break them down and too often end games with feelings of frustration.

It was the first time since 1989-90 that we had lost 3 league matches in a season against newly promoted clubs. This insipid display wasn’t some massive shock though, with United pretty much on auto-pilot and Brighton up for it looking to seal safety in front of their fans. But even though it wasn’t a total coupon-buster, it doesn’t mean it wasn’t fucking dire. For four of our seven defeats to be against teams in the bottom half is unacceptable. Comparisons with City are not enlightening for us, with them only losing two games, against us in 2^nd and Liverpool in 3^rd. We are stumbling over the line to finish runners-up, fortunate that Spurs are having their annual blow-up and Liverpool are concentrating on Europe.

There were a fair few players out on that pitch who had a chance to force their way into the Cup final team and they were clearly not arsed. But even then, we should have enough to put away bloody Brighton, who hadn’t won in 7 games. For all that we moan when Martial and Rashford are left out, nights like these are still pretty common for them, proving Mourinho right. But the manager has to take a lot more responsibility, as way too often under him we see these joyless, disjointed and functional performances. I’m in no way #MourinhoOut, not by a long shot, but to see so many games like this is criminal given the attacking talent we have.  

Lukaku was injured and Sanchez was rested, with Rojo starting with Smalling, after Mourinho had justified Bailly’s absence by saying he needed to make sure the other defenders were match fit for the World Cup. Even for him, that bullshit took some chutzpah to say to the press. Young captained the team with Valencia rested.

The game itself? Brighton were up for it from kick-off, pumping balls into the general direction of the wily old forward Glenn Murray. As the game went on and they realised how poor United were, they abandoned the agricultural approach and went for a more considered style, with the ball-players Pascal Gross and Dutch international Davy Propper – one of my favourite players in the bottom reaches of the league – proving difficult to mark.

Our full-backs were showing no positional awareness (how often do we see overlaps from them?) and our centre-backs were treating the ball like its lit dynamite. United had 68% possession when the whistle blew, but there wasn’t much to write home about. It was mostly boring, slow keep-ball. There was little penetration from our forwards, seldom were balls played in behind. United were very sloppy, especially Fellaini and Rashford, who blew United’s best chance when refusing to cut the ball back to Martial after getting to the right side by-line. Instead he paused, thought about shooting, and only got a corner after dawdling so much he could have set up Mata as well who had made a late run. It neatly summed up an awful half devoid of quality, with a real end of season feel to it despite cup places being on the line. Fellaini was too deep, not forward enough to be useful.

De Gea had to make 3 top saves to keep us level. Murray’s 25 yard shot, Izquierdo’s effort and a Gross drive were all heading towards goal but Spanish Dave proved why he won both player of the year awards in midweek by denying them all. The only positive in the 1^st half was a tremendous drunken Friday night rendition of ‘Viva Ronaldo’ from the travelling Reds desperate for our Portuguese alumnus to step up again and stop the scousers from winning a 6^th European Cup in Kiev in 3 weeks or so. C’mon Ronnie. Save us from that horror, would you?

There is still plenty of deadwood at the club, chief among them Darmian, who was utter wank again. Please let that be his last United game, and it would be fitting if it was. The Italian was beaten horribly easily by Izquierdo for the goal, allowing Gross to head in after the initial cross was parried, the goal being awarded by goal line technology after Rojo’s clearance just wasn’t good enough.

So we were behind. Time for a swashbuckling response… er… about that. In the 71^st minute Rashford had a powerful shot from distance well saved from the Aussie Matt Ryan, but that was about as good as it got. Mourinho introduced Lingard and Luke Shaw, and later took off Rojo for McTominay, but it didn’t really make a difference.

The last sections of the match were embarrassing with the United side just circulating the ball. There was no setting it wide, no pace, just waiting for someone else to take a risk or make an offensive run. We were left with Pogba trying to find the top corner from 30 yards for the final 7 or 8 minutes or so, an admission that we had run out of ideas before we’d even begun brainstorming.

The home side were jubilant and why not, having clinched their survival and seen off the great Manchester United of Darmian. There was a minor pitch invasion at full-time and good luck to them – Chris Hughton, one of the more dignified football men, deserves all the praise he gets.

Mourinho went for Martial and Rashford in his presser. "For 10 months I get asked 'why always Lukaku? Why always Lukaku, why always Lukaku? Why always this player? That guy doesn't have a chance to start, the other one is on the bench.' You know why now." For once, there was little to be said in response. Let’s just hope the massive Belgian is fit and ready for the Cup final, otherwise we are going to have a huge job on our hands.

United (4-3-3) De Gea 8; Darmian 3.5 (Shaw 68, 5.5), Smalling 5, Rojo 5.5 (McTominay 76, 5), Young 5; Fellaini 5 (Lingard 68, 5.5), Matic 6, Pogba 4.5; Mata 4, Rashford 3.5, Martial 4.