2018 FA Cup Final - Manchester United 0-1 Chelsea

Manchester United 0-1 Chelsea (Hazard 22 pen)

 

United slipped meekly to defeat in the Cup Final, going out while barely landing a punch on an unspectacular Chelsea team on a spirit-sapping day at Wembley. It was grim, and a bit boring. So much attacking talent, so little threat and bite. A frustrating season ending in a quite fitting way. Too slow, too scared, and second best. Shit.

What’s there to say when we lose like that? It wasn’t a 4-0 romp, we had been defeated only by a penalty from Eden Hazard, and the possession and shots statistics were in our favour. But don’t let the numbers fool you into thinking United were at all impressive out there. It was robotic, stunted, and downright dull. They looked out of ideas too early and energetic too late, a sad end to the season given the optimism with which it had begun. 

United were the favourites going into the last domestic fixture of the season, having finished 3 places above Chelsea in the table. I was very nervous at the start, but then I always am in occasions such as these. Post-Ferugson, it’s no longer a given that United will always be making finals and consistently playing at Wembley, so there is no way I’m turning my nose up at any cup, especially when we’re in the final. Having been at Wembley myself last month to see us dispatch an in-form Spurs, I was quietly confident we could do the same to Chelsea.

The good news for United was that Martial and Lukaku hadn’t been ruled out as had been feared, and were available. The bad news was that neither started – although Martial probably would not have anyway, even if he was 100% fit. Fellaini missed out as well. It was a blow for United to be missing their main goalscorer, as much for his hold up play and bullying of centre-halves as anything else. With Chelsea, a physical game was expected, so to line up instead with Rashford was a bit of weakness.

Not that I thought so before kick-off. While Lukaku starting on the bench was not perfect, I was excited to see young Rash run at Chelsea’s backline. I remembered how he had led the line brilliantly against Chelsea in our 2-0 home win in April 2017, springing Conte’s offside trap regularly. On paper, a front three of Jesse Lingard, Rashford and Alexis Sanchez looked dynamic, pacey and fluid. So apart from Lukaku it was the same team that beat Spurs in the semi – which meant Eric Bailly, who most think is our best defender, was left on the bench. Smalling and Jones had credit in the bank, sure, but the treatment of Bailly by Mourinho in recent weeks has been utterly baffling.

Chelsea went defensive, going with only two forward thinking players really, with Fabregas used mainly to retain possession. Bakayoko has been one of the worst signings across Europe for the 17/18 season, but Antonio Conte placed faith in the Frenchman to make sure his team didn’t get outnumbered In the middle of the park, resisting the temptation to pick Pedro or Willian. Having scored in the semi over Southampton, January purchase Olivier Giroud was preferred over record signing Alvaro Morata.

Chelsea started the better, with Hazard finding space on the left flank on the counter after United had given the ball away carelessly, and shooting at goal with his left foot after running at Jones. De Gea made a smart stop, and United cleared, but that was pretty much that for the opening exchanges. It was a typical final start to be honest, with both sides wanting to ease themselves into the game, and very little in the way of shots on goal. The cagey start didn’t stop both sides gifting the other possession constantly with sloppy errant passes. For the Cup final, it was a game desperately low on quality. It needed a goal really.

It soon got one. Chelsea won the ball back in their half and Fabregas had time to set Hazard away with a long pass; his first touch was exemplary and suddenly Phil Jones was on the back foot. The England world cup defender just about kept pace with Hazard but was unable to get goalside, and decided to go for a last-ditch tackle. I couldn’t really blame him, but the execution was clumsy and it was penalty and a yellow card. From the spot there’s few who are calmer than Hazard and the Belgian duly rolled the ball into the net, sending De Gea the other way.

United initially reacted like I’d want. Herrera pushed up from his ersatz right-back position (to nullify Hazard, and make it easier for him to be man-marked, which had already proven flawed when Chelsea’s star man moved to the right to create the goal) and United created a chance for Pogba from 25 yards, who shot wide. It was the first effort from United to test Chelsea’s defence and keeper.

 


There was very little width for United. Chelsea were extraordinarily compact

Why were United so lacking in attacking vigour? Well, for starters Rashford was having a stinker. The ball was bouncing off him, he was picking the wrong passes, and he was getting outmuscled. Worst of all he wasn’t making the runs in behind that could’ve been so dangerous; instead he came deep, or ran the channels. This often led to the absurd situation where United had the ball in a crossing position but the only man in the box was Sanchez, a man never likely to win a battle in the air with 3 centre-backs. That’s if we had anyone in the box at all, sometimes they had no one to mark and United were simply trying pot-shots from long range.

It didn’t help that Lingard was having a poor start as well, as he wasn’t either wide or forward enough to impact the game like he should. With Sanchez drifting infield as well, width was like gold dust for United. Ashley Young was enterprising enough, happy to take defenders on, but is always hamstrung by his general lack of quality – a problem for Chelsea also, regarding Victor Moses. We were ponderous, too, recycling the ball 30 yards from goal, always taking too many touches, waiting for someone to try a mazy run or an ambitious through ball which seldom happened.

The first half ended just as United’s best moment had come, as someone did indeed perform a mazy run. Pogba motored with the ball through the centre and played a one-two with Sanchez before laying it off to Rashford, who only contrived to scuff his attempted shot straight at a Chelsea defender.

At half-time the overriding feeling was that this was an awful match. There had only been two real chances – the penalty, and the other aforementioned Hazard shot. As good as the Belgian and Fabregas had been, it wasn’t enough to escape the reality that it was an utterly dreadful game, the opposite of what you would want in the showpiece of English football. It had also gone against the theme of recent Cup finals, which have generally been entertaining; look no further than United’s incident-packed triumph over Crystal Palace in 2016 for proof.

Mourinho had obviously got into them at half-time as United started the second half with great intensity, determined to get back on terms. From minute 45-65, United had a great spell, pinning Chelsea back and looking like they were going to score eventually. Of course, Chelsea could afford to sit deep having gone in front so early, and it suited the personnel they had out there. Their attacks in the second half were exclusively counters, with long passes looking for the incisive movement of Hazard.

Valencia, who had been unbelievably ineffective in the first half despite having heaps of the ball, finally made a forward run inside Marcos Alonso picked out by Herrera, also making his first risky pass. We were in behind, but instead of Valencia going for goal or picking out Sanchez he pulled it back straight to Fabregas. Stupid prick. Sanchez instantly won it back with a tigerish sliding tackle and the ball broke for Rashford 20 yards out, who forced a save from Courtois with his powerful but a bit too central strike. The crowd were up for it now and Kante and Rudiger both made vital interceptions just as United were breaking through.

United won a lot of set-pieces in this period, with Chelsea under pressure and looking to break the rhythm of United with fouls. Unfortunately most of them were taken by Rashford, who booted it straight at the first man most of the time. It was mind-numbing to see him on those duties when he was having such a poor day at sending them in, not even considering that as a forward over 6 feet, you would probably want him in the box anyway. Mind you, he did pull out one top delivery from the right when his free-kick was converted by Sanchez on the follow up, although he was offside. Still, United were pushing, with Young starting to play very high up the pitch. Matic had a 30 yarder parried by the rock-solid Courtois.

But United gradually fizzled out, the zip fading from our passing, the lack of pace in our play telling. It was the Blues that had the next big chance with Kante skipping through the tackles to set up Alonso who was denied by De Gea, before Moses hit the ball at Young’s arm in the area. Really, it was too close for the ref to give another penalty.

Out of nowhere came an opportunity for Rashford after a training ground move, with Pogba finding Lingard in his favourite pocket. He let the ball run before slipping in his best mate one-on-one. It was by no means the easiest of chances with a massive keeper coming out and Rashford having to stretch a bit, but it had to go in. Lukaku, I suspect, would’ve found the net with it. Instead, Courtois saved and Mourinho responded by hooking Rashford and Lingard. Taking off Jesse was a tad puzzling in my opinion, just as the number 14 was getting into the game.

So Lukaku and Martial (left out of the French World Cup squad in midweek, prompting more rumours of his exit) were on. I was screaming for Mata as well for Herrera, who seemed to not be aware we were losing, given the fact he wasn’t moving forward with the ball and was still playing the safest passes he could. There are times when Herrera just isn’t needed and today was one of them. His main job was to stop Hazard, who had put us behind - although the Spaniard couldn’t be blamed for the goal which wasn’t in his area. But then, what was he on for now? If Mata had been given more time, he could’ve found a key pass to unlock the door. Instead Herrera finished the game, one of his least memorable in a red shirt. He wasn’t being helped by his captain Valencia though, who was constantly turning back into midfield when he had the chance to get to the by-line.

By now Conte had instructed his team to give up on attacking, and you couldn’t blame them. The only threat was Phil Jones getting injured after a robust challenge by Giroud required him to put on a head bandage, the only thing the dreamy Frenchman did all game. It was all United, but it was all in front of the defence. We weren’t isolating their players or giving them different things to think about. We became increasingly route one, but Cahill and Rudiger were having a comfortable time of it.

The biggest chance fell to Paul Pogba, who screwed a free header wide from a Martial corner. That was the moment really, the only time the Chelsea team switched off. The £89m man had the freedom of Wembley, he had to do better, to at least get it on target. Alas, it wasn’t to be. Chelsea controlled the last 10 minutes, wasting time expertly with their subs taking decades to complete. Martial after a decent run had a little opening, but he found row J. Late sub Mata, of all people, conceded two corners in the dying minutes as the Chelsea supporters loudly cheered every single throw in and corner won, delighting in their players forcing United back, further and further away from a goal that would take it to extra time.



Chelsea celebrate with the famous old trophy

 

The whistle went and Conte was jubilant. For all that this season has been a failure for the Blues (not enough has been said about the reigning champions spending north of £200m,  finishing 5^th and 23 points worse than last season) their manager deserved this moment I think, given the turmoil he’s been faced with off the field. It was his first domestic cup as a manager. Even at their worst, Chelsea seem to be able to churn out trophies, exemplified by Cahill lifting the cup after a difficult season for him personally. Although United in mitigation could say De Gea had nothing to do, Chelsea could respond by saying they never really looked in trouble.

Like it or not, it’s likely if Fellaini had been available for the last 20 minutes we could’ve nicked an equaliser. Chelsea were very comfortable in the air against United, as a half-fit Lukaku couldn’t impose himself as usual against their big defenders. If the big man had been there, Chelsea would’ve been forced to mark him, perhaps even assigning two on him, in turn creating space for others. In the 93^rd minute Matic tamely headed over; if that had been Fellaini it could’ve been different. Though the very idea that United missed Fellaini out there suggests how shocking they were.

While Valencia is hardly the biggest problem at United, in football today the full-backs are so important, and indeed no one got the ball more for United in threatening positions than him and Young. I really don’t want to watch a lot more of him receiving the ball, doing that little leg shuffle, then passing backwards. The captain for the day was really pathetic, seemingly unable to dribble anymore, offering nothing. Young was giving it his all, offering his teammates an option, but as I’ve already said, he just isn’t that good, willing but unable to change the game.

Sanchez has played 18 times for United since he arrived, and has scored a grand total of 3 goals, one of which was a penalty rebound. It is not reactionary to say he has been downright crap for us given his handsome wages. The man has an awesome record at Wembley – I saw it for myself in the semi-final, when he was excellent – but he did fuck all in the final, like in a lot of games he has played so far for us. Spurs and City away apart, he has not been the player we all expected him to be, or saw at Arsenal. In the summer, he will have his first extended break from football since 2013. Let’s hope he comes back refreshed, because more of this will be hard to accept from such a talented player.

It’s not just Sanchez. Pogba as well was disappointing. He was decent, don’t get me wrong, helping us progress forward and running hard all afternoon. But where was an imposing display from our best player in what turned out to be the biggest game of the season? Where was the Lingard from the winter? But most all, where was the master of finals, the serial winner that is Jose Mourinho? He had his own tactics based on organisation and concentration used against him by a man who he had a spat with earlier on in the campaign. I hope it hurt him, as ending the season trophyless should hurt all of them, even though there are clear signs of progress from last season.

For us not to score against a team playing like *that* is slightly embarrassing. It’s one thing playing on the counter but there were essentially only two attacking players in their line-up. They were sharp in the first half, decisive in the penalty incident, and to be fair, retained their focus and concentration against the almost constant United possession in the 2^nd half. They did deserve their eighth FA Cup, even if for the neutral it was like watching paint dry.

It’s been a good season, generally, but it has definitely been tarnished by this schoolboy performance. Thankfully the world cup arrives to stop us from licking our wounds all summer.

United (4-3-3) De Gea 6.5; Valencia 5.5, Smalling 6, Jones 5 (Mata 87), Young 6; Herrera 4.5, Matic 5.5, Pogba 6; Lingard 5 (Martial 73, 4), Rashford 3.5 (Lukaku 73, 5), Sanchez 5.

Chelsea (5-3-2) Courtois 7.5; Moses 6, Azpilicueta 6, Cahill 7, Rudiger 7, Alonso 5.5; Fabregas 6.5, Kante 7, Bakayoko 5; Giroud 4.5 (Morata 89), Hazard 7 (Willian 90+1).

Spurs 2-0 Manchester United

Tottenham Hotspur 2-0 Manchester United (Eriksen 1, Jones 28 og)

 

For the third successive home league game in a row, Spurs took home the three points against Manchester United. Whether it’s White Hart Lane or Wembley, Spurs seem to be able to raise their game against the Red Devils at home – not since September 1966 had such a run been completed. In what was a record attendance for a Premier League game of over 81,000, Spurs completely dominated the proceedings and an anaemic United went home with their tails between their legs.

Spurs are the real deal these days, of course, and a loss to them is no disgrace, but the manner on this midweek night was deeply troubling. United had gone from a resolute backline that had kept six clean sheets in a row to conceding after just 11 seconds, one of the quickest goals of the Premier League era.

Straight from kick-off Spurs launched it forward, Kane and Alli won the duels in the air, and Eriksen reacted to the loose ball first and swept home beautifully. I hadn’t even got to the pub yet. By the looks of things, a quarter of the stadium hadn’t taken their seats either.

Spurs paraded their only significant January signing at half time, with Lucas Moura keeping to the cliché of holding up the scarf and doing a few keepie-uppies. On this evidence, the Brazil winger will find it difficult to muscle in on Spurs’ intelligent and talented front four. Harry Kane, Dele Alli and Christian Eriksen are all well established as some of the best players in the league, but Son has often been forgotten about, although that is starting to change now. All four caused United all sorts of problems, with Alli and Eriksen in particular fiendishly difficult to shut down.  

Spurs were playing with an absurdly high line, this observer was astonished at their bravery, especially with United boasting the pace of Martial and Alexis Sanchez, making his league debut. While that is how Poch likes to play, it did seem to be a huge risk, although it paid off handsomely, with the centre-backs spreading play out wide at will. With the defenders happy to engage in battles on the halfway line, Moussa Dembele was liberated from having to fight, instead able to demonstrate his delicate touches and calm carrying of the ball.

The opening exchanges were ridiculously attacking for a game between two of the top six. The home side were passing at a high tempo and Trippier was finding himself in acres of space in behind Ashley Young. Spurs were always happy to put in crosses from any angle, forcing United to face their own goal at every opportunity. They were so intense, and fluid, their frontline showing off their proactive movement. By contrast, United were apathetic and stunted, unable to get a foothold in the game.  

Spurs have a propensity to shit themselves in big matches, but the early goal banished the nerves and gave all 11 players confidence to try things, to take risks, and pin United back. Pochettino was clearly targeting our left flank - Trippier, Eriksen and Alli were all taking turns to run at an all-at-sea Ashley Young. Mind, the converted winger wasn’t helped by his winger Sanchez, who didn’t exactly show full commitment to getting back and helping his teammate. As an aside, what was Mourinho thinking taking the in-form Martial out of his best position –left wing- to accommodate Sanchez? Martial had been our best player recently, it made no sense that our new player didn’t operate on the right instead of the Frenchman. Especially when Sanchez has plenty of experience on the right anyway.  

Spurs’ aggressive high press was creating countless turnovers of possession, as United were careless when hurried on the ball. It didn’t help that our two central defenders were Smalling and Jones, none of whom are Rio Ferdinand on the ball. While Rojo is an inferior defender to Smalling, his comfort with the ball at his feet would’ve been useful against the high press from Spurs.

They went close a number of times, with De Gea on form. Jones seemed to be keeping us in it, with a couple of excellent tackles to deny Kane and Alli, but then compounded the misery by side-footing a dangerous low cross from Trippier into his own net. A top finish, it was a shame he just couldn’t sort his feet out.

United, far from responding positively, were seemingly begging for half-time for some respite from slick Spurs moves. In the final third, Spurs were always making the right decision to open up the United defence. And yet, it could’ve been 2-1, with Pogba losing all semblance of technique when prodding over from almost the goal-line after a set-piece. That would’ve papered over the cracks – United were as open as mid-2000s Lindsey Lohan. The most frustrating thing of all was how much United were giving the ball away. There were simple passes sent straight out of play due to carelessness or lack of communication.

When we were under the cosh immediately after the second goal, Lingard should’ve been pushed back to make 3 in midfield to try and stem the flow of Eriksen and Alli. Instead, United tried to attack, only succeeding in leaving the midfield isolated. It didn’t help that Nemanja Matic was having a shocker. He gave the ball away almost every time he had it, was losing duels with players half his size and strength, looked exhausted after 35 minutes, and was unable to track the runs of Eriksen, Alli and Son. When Dembele coasted past him on his way to creating another chance, Matic lamely fell to the floor. He lasted the full 90, when he really should’ve been subbed at half-time. He wasn’t alone though, Young and Smalling were also looking out of their depth out there.

You beat the high press by going long, but United didn’t, happy instead to try high risk passes across our own goal in an attempt the keep the ball. It was admirable, but stupid, with the high defensive line begging for some long passes. A lot of our problems were self-inflicted, it should be said. Spurs often didn’t need great skill or guile to initiate attacks, often just waiting for our thick players to lose balls in dangerous positions via ambitious passes. It was Spurs who were enjoying themselves, with the quick thrust employed whenever they won the ball. Alli and Eriksen were finding so much space in between our rigid lines.

The only real chance United made from open play all night happened early in the 2^nd half, when Pogba clipped a ball in behind Davison Sanchez and Lukaku ran on to it and got a strong shot off, but Lloris tipped it round the post. A few minutes later, Pogba was hooked, with much attention paid afterwards to a clip of Mourinho berating Pogba for his lack of discipline. While I wouldn’t have taken the Frenchman off, in the vain hope that he could create something special, he was a pile of wank out there. We all have off days, but there is no excuse for ignoring the manager’s instructions to sit tight in a two with Matic, and that is seemingly what he did. Pogba was often found level on the pitch with our wingers while Matic was left alone again in the middle, and was a key reason as to why we were always under pressure. The pundits peddled the bullshit afterwards that Pogba can’t play in a midfield two, he’s erratic off-the-ball, he can’t track runs from a clever no.10… all complete nonsense. Pogba proved at Euro 2016 he can be disciplined, defensive, and composed, restraining his natural game for the good of the team. He just had a dreadful night, perhaps believing United needed him further forward. He deserves criticism for that, but let’s not go overboard.

The second half didn’t get any less embarrassing, with Alli nutmegging Jones, Matic looking like he’d been in a marathon, Smalling mis-kicking galore and the farce that was the Fellaini substitution. Sent on presumably to aid in the long ball tactics to help beat the press, he was off down the Wembley tunnel within seven minutes due to injury, meaning Herrera had to come in and play in midfield. Marcus Rashford was stripped, receiving his final commands before coming on when it became clear that Fellaini couldn’t continue, and so the kid sat back down and the last chance of a comeback probably disappeared then and there. Fellaini’s season has been plagued by injury, and with his contract up at the end of the season, you mind begins to wonder what his future holds, even though the manager remains his biggest fan.

There was no silver lining as Sanchez was the only one pressing, probably thinking how his new team - a Mourinho team - could be so poor at the back. Martial, eventually switched to the left, didn’t beat his man all night. Lukaku worked hard, to his credit, but yet another big game came and went with him making little impact. Perhaps in these games, 3 in midfield is a must.

The sensational Alli was purring in the second half, showing off his full repertoire. An outside-of-the-foot ball to Kane, an outrageous back-heel to play in Davies on the left, snapshots from anywhere. It was a tremendous return to form for young star, a good response to his critics. Kane, searching for his 100^th Premier League goal, had an odd night for him – he didn’t score. So rare is that these days that Mourinho should maybe buy himself a scratch card or two. It wasn’t as if the England captain-elect didn’t have enough opportunities, but the efforts of De Gea and a couple of mistakes meant he went home goalless, thankfully for the Reds.

Not that Spurs really needed him to be at his best, for Eriksen was majestic. The Dane was impossible to mark, always able to find space in the crowed midfield. His nominal position was right midfield, but in fact he popped up everywhere, and his elusive dribbling style made Matic look stupid all night. In the inside-right channel, he was able to slip Kane in, poke balls out to Trippier, (always stationed high up the pitch) or go for goal himself. Like all Spurs attacking players, he was a tad wasteful, often looking for the extra pass when you expected the net to bulge, or a slight mis-control when United’s defenders were nowhere. This feels like straw-clutching though, for these little moments didn’t distract from the overall feeling that he was controlling the game. He hit the post from 25 yards, he breezed past red shirts, and always played with his head up.

For the away team, the inquest started straight away. We have to be honest and say that it should’ve been 4-0, at least. The contrast from so many solid displays to the haphazard defending at Wembley was confusing, even if Spurs and the vibrant interplay they demonstrated was obviously a factor. I still have no idea why we were charging round the pitch without figuring out against Spurs you have to sit deep for a bit. Still, as bad as the game was, Chelsea slipping to a 3-0 reverse at home to Bournemouth meant that the damage doesn’t have to be terminal, if we get back on track quickly. We were shit, it happens, let’s regroup.
United (4-2-3-1) De Gea 8; Valencia 5.5, Smalling 3.5, Jones 5, Young 4; Pogba 4.5 (Mata 63, 5), Matic 3.5; Martial 4.5, Lingard 6 (Fellaini 63 [Herrera 70, 5]), Sanchez 5; Lukaku 5.5.

Spurs (4-2-3-1) Lloris 7; Trippier 8, Sanchez 6.5, Vertonghen 7.5, Davies 7; Dier 7, Dembele 8 (Wanyama 90+1); Eriksen 9, Alli 8.5 (Sissoko 88), Son 7 (Lamela 80); Kane 7.5.

Burnley 0-1 Manchester United

Burnley 0-1 Manchester United (Martial 54)

 

A rather sleepy Saturday afternoon in Lancashire was ignited by Anthony Martial’s superb winning goal in the second half, to clinch another win to nil for Jose Mourinho’s men. It was a tough encounter, with defences on top, but once again United had our French flier to thank for keeping us on track.

This was not vintage United, but then it hardly ever is against the Burnley of Sean Dyche. We’ve never blown them away, either in 14-15 or since they got promoted the second time. Due to a neat quirk in the fixture list, the memories of Boxing Day, and being 2-0 down in no time at all, were fresh in the memories of the Reds. Or should that be the light greys, as United lined up in our god awful, make-your-eyes-bleed 2^nd kit again. Is this really what Adidas pay all those millions for? Oh fuck, I’m moaning about kits, I’m even sadder than I knew I was.

United rather laboured to the win, but that didn’t mean there weren’t impressive elements – like a 5^th consecutive clean sheet for us, since we last played Burnley. An amazing coincidence, but not as amazing as the commanding defending of Phil Jones. He has been pretty low down on the list of players receiving acclaim this campaign, yet there is no more consistent centre-back in the country. When he’s fit, of course. Mourinho has improved him, or rather restored him back to his late 2013 peak. It was difficult out there, with him being booed by the Turf Moor faithful throughout due to his Blackburn Rovers connections, but he came through it, and with his partner Smalling got us over the line amid a barrage of late balls into the box.

Mind, Burnley were never out of the game, and Icelandic international Gudmundsson hit the bar with a free-kick, plus the terrific James Tarkowski was mere inches away from getting contact on a low cross from the right late on. As an aside, Dyche must perform a big gravelly frightening laugh every time he see his former charge Michael Keane struggle for Everton knowing he had Tarkowski to come in and replace him and form a solid partnership with Ben Mee. Considering he lost Andre Gray to Watford as well, you have to tip your hat to resourcefulness of Dyche. Back to the game though, for all this pressure, United were comfortable, despite being pinned back. It was encouraging, and once again the cliché needs saying – last year, we would’ve drawn that game. It would’ve been our own fault though, as Pogba, Martial and sub Rashford all wasted chances to kill the contest in the second half.

This season has been harshly judged, thanks to Guardiola’s barely believable mob up the road breaking records with their potential points tally. But we’re alright, y’know. The big summer buy Lukaku has not been anywhere near as bad as has been suggested, and he proved his class again by providing the goal, demonstrating superb awareness and decision making to advance with the ball before stopping and finding Martial with a perfect ball. The number 11’s coolness in front of goal did the rest, placing the ball in the top corner with aplomb. That made it 3 league goals in as many games for Martial. The forward is improving all the time and his recent form, as well as his undeniable talent, will surely keep him in the team even if the dog-obsessive from the Emirates joins to add a certain individualism to the attack. By now, even as harsh a critic as Mourinho can no longer be evasive about the ability of our fleet-footed Frenchman. “Of course we are happy with him. We just want consistency, we know he has the talent”.

It is hard to dislike Dyche. Even when he makes a pithy remark about the different financial worlds the two teams were operating in (“The defining moment is an absolutely fantastic finish from a player they brought in for a lot of money” was how he described Martial’s winner to the BBC) I find him admirable. Yes, he may play the victim at times when it comes to referees, and he does revel much like Big Sam in the whole I-would-be-getting-a-lot-more-praise-if-i-was-foreign-and-exoctic bollocks. But at the same time, his team and his tactical awareness constantly leave me impressed. The world is good if you are a Burnley fan right now – at least until someone further up the food chain poaches their gaffer.

The only tiny little concern of note was that after his 3 match ban, Young was selected ahead of the in-form Luke Shaw at left-back in our only change from the win over Stoke. This decision was pretty straightforward in hindsight as the experienced utility man was fresh while his teammates had been exerted by the Christmas period, and after so many matches on the trot it seemed sensible to give Shaw a breather – after all, he hasn’t played many consecutive games since his leg break. However, given that Burnley away is no walk in the park, you would expect the strongest team, and if Young is still ahead of Shaw in the pecking order when everything is equal, it would worry me slightly. Although perhaps to prove that I should shut my clumsy mouth, Youngy was one of our best players, especially in transition to set up counters late on.

Arsene Wenger implied that Alexis Sanchez missed the 4-1 cakewalk at home to Palace because he was already on his way up north, and whatever the real truth, it does seem likely that by the time United visit League Two Yeovil, the Chilean will be a Man United player. Certainly, Emirates-bound Mkhitaryan was never in consideration for the starting XI here. This transfer saga has barely lasted a fortnight yet I’m already tired of it, and the press crap that comes with it, and the idea that Alexis must be a money grabbing mercenary to turn down Oil-rich Man City in favour of the biggest football club in the world. City trying to take the moral high ground over money (Sanchez would upset their wage structure, apparently) has been a twist in this soap opera I definitely didn’t see coming. It does look done at the time of writing however, quite incredible given the English press had decided he would be at the Etihad by now. So, United bringing in a world-class player in January you say? Aye mate, and a reality TV star will be President and all, you daft prick.

United (4-2-3-1) De Gea 7.5; Valencia 7, Smalling 7.5, Jones 8.5, Young 7.5; Pogba 6.5, Matic 7; Mata 5.5 (Fellaini 72, 6), Lingard 5.5 (Rashford 80, 5), Martial 8 (Herrera 90+4); Lukaku 7.5.

Man Utd 1-0 Arsenal- but loss isn't terminal for Gunners

Watching football really isn't good for my heart.
 
But enough about me, and onto the game. Hyped up by the Sky media machine, this was the BIGGEST GAME OF THE SEASON as the table toppers travelled to Old Trafford to visit the Champions. There was much emphasis put on the fact that if Arsenal won, they would be 11 points above United. And, sure, that's a big total. But from the way the 'experts' were talking, that would be the reds's title challenge dead in the water. Has everyone forgotten 2008 here?
 
But without doubt, this was still a massive match. For all of Arsenal's brilliant displays this season, you could argue that only their incredible defensive display at Dortmund showed them winning a game they weren't favourites for. But if they beat United in Manchester for the first time since 2006, it would send a real message to the rest of the country that they really, really mean business. Of course, they were still title challengers before this match (what more could they do, Alan Shearer?) but winning would confirm them as truly back. And also put a knife into the team of Robin Van Persie, which would be nice.


"Why do I even still wear this coat?"

But it didn't happen. And although the 'jokes' came about on twitter almost instantly (Phil Jones has left the ground with £42 million in his pocket, Ozil has been returned to Arsenal...#YOLO #BANTZ #SWAG) this was a game Arsenal can take a lot from, especially when you take into account all of their absentees.
 
A virus running through the camp robbed them of two of their best players, the resilient and commanding centre back Mertesacker, and the beautifully balanced and inventive playmaker Rosicky. Rosicky must be the most unlucky footballer of recent times considering all of his injury problems. (Diaby doesn't count. That C**t is just too much. He was born with a fu*king calf strain for god's sake.) He just offers so much to the side, and the Gunners missed almost every aspect of his play, the neat one twos, the constant pressing and urgency, and the drive from midfield, what with Ramsey largely off the pace.
 
But if you look at the two line ups, as a United fan I was shi**ing myself worried before kick off. The middle of the park boasted such quality from an Arsenal point of view, a five man axis versus two men, one of whom, Phil Jones, was out of position. But from the word go there was a distinct lack of intensity in the Arsenal ranks. There was no real attempt to press United, it reminded me of the game against Sociedad in midweek, where the hosts gave David Moyes's men way too much space, through a combination of fear and respect of the Champions.
 
The home side certainly had the better of the opening exchanges with Wayne Rooney in particular up for it; constantly looking forward whilst in possession, and when without, the England star chased down anyone near him like a dog after a stick. (Insert hilarious joke here comparing the animal's intellect favourably to Wayne's). But seriously, that determination ran through the United side. The sense of the whole squad (no, not you Ashley Young. Diving pri*k) angrily wanting to prove everyone wrong and beat Arsenal was palpable. They shut down the much vaunted trio of Cazorla, Ozil and Ramsey, and Arsenal's only effort on goal in the first half was a tame Grioud header from a fair way out. That is not to say that Man Utd tested Szczesny at the other end, as really I can't recall many problems for him either in the first period, apart from when challenging for the ball Phil Jones, who is made of granite, accidently poleaxed him.



"Take that Piers!!!"

 
Before that though, Van Persie scored a technically perfect header from Rooney's teasing delivery. (Honestly, that corner was gagging to be put away. You could see it arcing towards the most lethal finisher on the pitch and you fu*king knew the outcome. OOH ROBIN VAN PERSIE) Depending on who you were supporting, this was either an immense moment which showed who he really loved and demonstrated his class, or the traitor supreme showing a complete lack of dignity with his celebration. For the record, all the crap that Arsenal fans give him, including the 'she said no' song, should really blow any call for him to celebrate respectfully out of the window. Why expect class when Arsenal fans clearly don't give him that? Personally, I loved it when he celebrated passionately. But the inevitable goal from RVP didn't stir Arsenal into a fightback, which was surprising. Instead, after the goal, United took control, with Jones and Rooney both breaking through on two separate occasions, with Arsenal having to resort to sitting deeper until the break.
 
The Vidic substitution, after De Gea clattered him, forced Jones, the player of the half, back into the back four and Arsenal dominated the opening spells of the second half. But it was very much false domination, the possession in that 45-60 period was probably 65% Arsenal, but they didn't create anything of note. Where was Ozil or man of the moment Ramsey? The best opportunity before the clock struck an hour fell to Wayne Rooney, as after a superb break by Valencia, he deftly flicked the ball above Sagna's challenge with his right peg, before hammering a shot agonizingly wide with his left.
 
Wilshere came on for the tired Flamini and immediately the pace of Arsenal's passing went up, as United retreated nearer and nearer De Gea's goal. Crosses were frequent but Jones and the excellent Evans dealt with them all. But the thing was, England's saviour  Wilshere's introduction coincided with an Arsenal effort that pegged back Man Utd. There were no break or any United presence in the opposition half as Valencia and Kagawa, for the first time in the game, were denied space and time to turn and run at their markers. Effectively, in United's backyard they were forcing them to play defensive. This observer certainly did not like to see that.
 
The problem was, they were not creating any clear cut opportunities- Wilshere, Ramsey, and Giroud all had half chances but what Arsenal needed at this point was a fresh threat and a different style of attacking. What they essentially required was Walcott or Oxlade-Chamberlain to climb off the treatment table and run at United. It must have pretty despairing for Wenger knowing his side needed fresh impetus while they were on top, and knowing as well his best option for that was THE GREATEST STRIKER THAT EVER LIVED Bendtner. Still it was hugely encouraging for the Gunners that they kept United at bay for almost the whole second half.
 
That is not to say that United didn't have their heroes, Valencia completely stopped Cazorla on the left, meaning him coming off for Bendtner wasn't quite as crazy as it seemed. This was crucial, as Arsenal kept a lot of the ball and occasionally you just wanted someone to have a go, and their main threat from range is Cazorla. Phil Jones was utterly immense, Carrick and Cleverley did a great job on Ramsey and in keeping the ball at the death, and Rooney never stopped running and was intelligent with his ball use.
 
There were chances for both teams in the closing stages as Smalling somehow missed a glorious headed chance from a delicious Van Persie free kick and Bacary Sagna whipped in two of the best crosses I've seen for a while but they evaded everyone both times.
 
Oh wait, I just realised I originally wanted to write a quick intro and then player ratings, but I've written like a whole match report. That's passion for you. Or being alone on a Sunday night. Again. Your call. Fu*k my life.
 
Player ratings
 
Manchester United
 
David de Gea I bloody love you Dave. I mean your beard is sh*t but you can't have everything. He wasn't called upon much but did put Vidic in hospital, so is a beast. I think. Clean sheet. 7/10 
Chris Smalling Very nervous on his selction at right back, and I didn't really feel he played that well. The height advantage was key at set pieces but didn't look comfortable in possession. 6/10
Jonny Evans Another commanding performance from United's most consistent defender. Irrepressible in the air and unbeatable in the tackle, and many other big words. 8/10
Nemanja Vidic (Cleverley 46) Giroud didn't beat him once, in the air or on the floor. Always a safe presence  at the back, and United were noticeably shaky after his departure. 8/10 
Patrice Evra Every time I think he's at the knackers yard, he digs out a performance like this. Whether it was Ozil or Ramsey on the right didn't matter to Evra, who sums up the spirit, experience and know how to win big matches like this time and again. Impeccable with the ball at his feet and superb at wasting time late on. (Completely different from the cheating that you persist with Ashley Young, before you ask. What a penis that bloke is. Such talent but spends most of the time on the floor.) Is he just not motivated for matches against Stoke and the like? I don't know, but more like this Patrice please. 8/10
Michael Carrick The 'Geordie Xavi' didn't have his best game, but it sums him up right now when he can be pretty poor and still dictate our tempo for a sizeable portion of the match. Made some key interceptions in the second half, and got to grips with Ozil well. Facial hair was terrible. 7/10
Phil Jones Remember when Fergie said that Phil Jones will be the greatest to ever play for United? It's matches like this where you think the greatest manager on the planet was right again. In the first half he denied space for Ozil, made interceptions, drove with the ball, and passed so well I thought it was Carrick (because Carrick is basically Pele in my eyes). In the second half, pushed into the heart of defence, it was header after header, clearance after clearance, and some calm, soothing, sexual switching of play. Fu*k, it was Franco Baresi and Roy Keane rolled into one unstoppable force. Got booked for challenging for the ball because he broke Szczesny. Some of his blocks were so last ditch and unbelievable I almost forgot I'm failing Uni. Almost. 9/10
Antonio Valencia Inspirational in the first half, driving forward with the ball while completely marking Cazorla out of the game and simultaneously stopped Gibbs from getting forward. 7/10
Shinji Kagawa (Giggs 78) A superb dribbler who didn't really play well. Cut inside to try and inflict damage but was a bit ineffective and drifted out of proceedings. 5/10
Wayne Rooney England's best footballer reminded everyone how good he is. He didn't have a lot of the ball but he got an assist and worked his bollocks off. (Hmm. Should I censor bollo**s? Naa, Google will be fine with it. Hopefully.) Denied a goal but overall, brilliant again. 8/10
Robin Van Persie (Fellaini 85) Scored a superb header but actually was largely subdued by Koscielny. In the second half often was used as a target man to ease the pressure on defence and held it up well. He will make all the headlines tomorrow though, no doubt, despite a pretty average game for him. But what a goalscorer. What a player. What a man. If he told me tomorrow to quit my job and drive to his house to feed his kids grapes and yogurt, I fu*king would. (I have no job, and I don't drive) ORVP 7/10
Subs- Tom Cleverley Struggled to get into the game and his arrival took Phil Jones away from the engine room, allowing Arteta to take control. Recovered and was decent defensively. 6/10
Ryan Giggs His introduction ahead of Nani and God's gift to the world  Januzaj was met with disapproval, but he calmed things down at a time when it was most frantic. 7/10
Marouane Fellaini He won a few headers, and therefore denied Arsenal the ball, so did his job. But for £27 million you want a bit more. At least be ahead of Cleverley, no? 6/10
 
David Moyes I'm getting used to it now, but it didn't help to see Sir Alex in the crowd today. But actually got his team spot on and his subs correct. I was screaming out for Nani or Januzaj to start or even come on but Valencia's selection was fully justified and all the subs played a part. Well done, now tell us is Zaha screwing your daughter or not because if not play him a bit yeah? 8/10
 
Arsenal
 
Wojciech Szczesny Couldn't be blamed for the goal, otherwise wasn't really tested, so i'll use this space to say I think he's been utterly immense this season and has answered all his critics. I do wish he'd change his name to like John Smith or something though. 7/10
Bacary Sagna Was Arsenal's main threat in terms of clear cut chances created and did a great job on Kagawa. Solid defensively and always quality on the ball. 8/10 
Laurent Koscielny Arsenal's brilliant defender didn't do anything wrong all game, a real achievement given he was not partnered by Mertesacker. Relished landing a couple of big tackles on Van Persie and advanced into midfield well. 7/10 
Thomas Vermaelen The Belgian defender who actually can't defend is still the club captain, laughable when you consider this was his first start since April. And how good have they been in his absence? Still, he was relatively solid in this match, and kept United quiet. 7/10
Kieran Gibbs Couldn't stop Valencia going past him and couldn't go past Valencia. Panicked in possession too a couple of times. 5/10 
Mikel Arteta (Gnabry 83) The midfielder controlled the game in the first 15 minutes of the second half with accurate passing and superb awareness. A real shame that for once his more attacking colleagues didn't show, as Arteta was superb throughout. 7/10
Mathieu Flamini (Wilshere 61) Arsenal's unsung hero this season was clearly unfit and it was shown, tired passes and futile attempts to track Rooney. Positionally top drawer though. 6/10
Aaron Ramsey Where was the Ramsey against Liverpool, or Dortmund? The Welsh midfielder was totally off the pace and a real disappointment. He gave the ball away a lot and wasted oppurtunites by trying to dribble rather than look for a team mate. He wandered from his position too much and was well marshalled by United. 4/10
Mesut Özil Couldn't get into the game, and seemed to not like the close attention Carrick and Jones gave him In the first half. Was neat enough and certainly not the worst Arsenal player but we have begun to expect so much more. My theory is he needs a rest, and this would be easy enough back in Madrid with Modric and Isco available. But until Arsenal's injury problems start solving themselves the German must solider on. Still created space well but was just not quite performing. Not his night. 5/10
Santi Cazorla (Bendtner 78) Valencia stopped him when he was on the left, Carrick stopped him in the middle and he was anonymous on the right. A real let down for Gunners fans as they needed one of his long range specials to do something and create a bit of belief amongst the team. When Arsenal were stuck in one of their 'passing across the final third' stages, they looked to Cazorla for a trademark burst of acceleration, or neat turn, or better still, a pop from 25 yards, but he was utterly, painfully sh*t. 4/10
Olivier Giroud "OOH but what if he gets injured" scream all the anti-Arsenal people. Giroud has been tremendous this season but the reality is he needs help up front in these types of games, oh how he would have wished Podolski to arrive to act as a foil. Alas, he had Bendtner. Still, worked hard, never gave up, and you got the feeling if he got a proper chance he would have taken it. 6/10.
Subs- Jack Wilshere Smoking Jack is a lovely player to watch when on form, as he glides past people and slides inch perfect passes through to the forwards and you're sat there thinking HOLY SH*T WHERE'S MY GUN THAT KID IS LIKE TECHNICALLY SOUND AND HE PLAYS ON THE HALF TURN GIVE HIM 100 ENGLAND CAPS NOW. But the constant injuries has led him taking a bit of a back seat this year. Wilshere's style is such that he needs to be on the ball constantly, he needs the team built around him, he needs players to make space for him. He is still young and will learn to be a real team player, but right now Arsenal look better without him- like in the other games in the past week, the wins over Dortmund and Liverpool. But him coming off the bench led to a spark in Arsenal as he demanded the ball off the defence and drove at Carrick at Cleverley in the way that Rosicky would have done. He created opportunities and energised a side lacking a bit of zest. But he got booked for a petulant push on Evra and perhaps should have had a shot rather than look for a pass late on. Crap I've written like a whole paragraph here. 7/10
Nicklas Bendtner How is he still employed by Arsenal? Gave the ball away every time he had it and didn't even attempt to get to Sagna's awesome cross in injury time. Remember when he scored a hat trick vs Porto in the Champions League and looked as if he was finally growing up? That was a loooong time ago and the most frustrating thing for Gooners is that he still has ability, but he's such a deluded c**t that he'll never make the most out of his talent. 1/10
Serge Gnabry Has done well for Arsenal in this campaign and did more in 10 minutes than Cazorla and Ramsey combined. Has a bright future indeed. 7/10
 
Arsene Wenger The best manager left in the Premier League deserves success for his financial prudence and unwavering commitment to youth, but I fear it will not be this season. Wenger's squad was exposed tonight by the lack of options to add life into the flailing Arsenal corpse (injecting life into a corpse? What an analogy. I surprise myself sometimes with my brilliance. Like Messi in a way) and he was not helped by the non performance of key men. Could he have done anything differently? Not really, but playing Flamini, who was unfit, ahead of Jack didn't pay off. 6/10
 
Overall- An excellent and crucial win for United that lifts them up to 5th and only five points away from the summit. But things are not over for Arsenal and Wenger and this win should only lower the expectations and therefore calm the players down, who looked a bit nervous at times tonight, it has to be said. But as Sky will no doubt say something like THE TITLE RACE IS BACK ON or ARSENAL'S CHALLENGE STOPS HERE so I'm bound to say that although the result is massive for United, for Arsenal, it doesn't change much. They need another striker, they need injured players back, they ARE challengers for the league title, and most importantly, it's about whether they're still top in March/April, than their position now.

Wow how the hell did I write all of that. I mean I started writing this at about half 12 and it's like quarter past 2 now why am I doing this I need to get a life. Naa, lives are overrated really, and I really love writing this sh*t because football is the best thing about a world full of poverty, anger, and corruption. Even better than Pasta. And I like Pasta. If you've made it this far, seriously, well done. I mean don't just pat yourself on the back, literally applaud yourself. The fact that you've read my incoherent ramblings for this long is remarkable.

Thanks for reading, Adam.
 



This GIF is amazing by the way. United through and through, this lad